My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
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My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*