How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
just got my engagement photos
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like