You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I need better friends
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.