If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.