There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
what
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed