This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?