what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.