WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.