some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
jesus, what did this guy do
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.