This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.