Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Duolingo getting serious.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”