Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Made something I’m not proud of
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.