Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.