I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.