If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”