Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!