Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what