[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Here’s a meme
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Just a friendly reminder!
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.