A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
kevin is now a local weatherman
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.