“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
You Might Also Like
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?