[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
The Sun
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I get distracted pretty eas
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.