Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!