*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.