My wedding will be open casket.
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?