It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.