Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
spot the difference
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”