*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR