Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”