Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.