It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
This came to me in a dream.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.