there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.