Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.