Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
There are usually two types of merchants.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16