You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps