Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Time for evil
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I think I’ll stand
My Guy
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.