Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Just telling everybody I meet that Iβm a Viking, nobody checks
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, Iβd want to know whoβs paying.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You know itβs a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you canβt pronounce the name.
This makes total sense…
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Letβs begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didnβt know. How is this possible.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: itβs like sheβs here watching over me