Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons