On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.