*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
You Might Also Like
😅🤣😂
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.