I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*exercises sarcastically*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My first son he is wonderful
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*