THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
New comic up. “Ransom”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass