I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
We avoided this particular disaster
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”