Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
#winning
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
japanese corn
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person