took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.