(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.