A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I get distracted pretty eas
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism