I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You Might Also Like
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.