When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
sugar glider wrangler
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.