Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
🍛
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN