Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Oh my God.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
How funny!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”